Frank Simple

I have been asked by the family of Frank Simple from Littlehampton, who had a meeting
with a young lady from the cast of "Dirty Dancing", to convey their heartfelt thanks to
those who were concerned about his health, and for all the kind messages of sympathy.
Frank is recovering well after his three days in a coma and,although he has no recollection
of the full events of that evening, is now slowly regaining some sort of normality.
No more bulletins will be posted on the Bloggers Websheet, but if you would like to
make personal enquiries, do so.
-A. Friend, Littlehampton.

Jolly Japes 1

Gosh! Its sunny today.
My son-iin-law has just set me up with one of these blog thingys. I'm now hoping to
show off how jolly I am and to let you know all our little secrets like how my hubby,
an ex-comedian, is coping with his haemorrhaging haemorrhoids. Gosh, is that the
time? Must dash to do the housework then take hubby for his walk to the shops.
-Guess Who, Somerset.

Jolly Japes 1

Gosh, it's sunny today.
-Guess who, Somerset.

Jolly Japes

Gosh! It's sunny today.
My son-in-law has just set me up with one of those blog things so I'm now able to
show off how jolly I am and to let you know all our little secrets, and how my hubby,
an ex comedian, is coping with his haemorrhaging haemorrhoids. The bottom line
is that I'm putting a brave face on it. Gosh! Is that the time? Must dash to do the
housework than take hubby for his walk to the shops.
-Guess who, Somerset.

A Simple Matter

I have been asked by the family of Frank Simple from Littlehampton, who had a meeting
with a young lady from the cast of "Dirty Dancing", to convey their heartfelt thanks to all those
people who were concerned about his health and who sent flowers and messages of sympathy.
Mercifully, Frank is recovering well after his three days in a coma. He has no recollections
of the events of that night, but is slowly regaining some sort of normality. No more bulletins
will be posted on the Web Page, but if you would like to make personal enquiries, do so.
-A friend, Littlehampton.

Powerfuel People

The new Powerfuel Company will, from November, set in motion an advanced concept in Home Heating.
Much cheaper than ordinary fuel, it has put at the disposal of the Public Office this order, namely:
"This Power is available on a dual only setting (where there are no mains). This Product will be on tap
in the UK including the Channel Islands, but not Northern Ireland which is in dispute at this moment
in time. However, if the aforementioned wish to participate, an additional fee (the Surplus Tariff), will
be applied. All parties, in due course, will have the right to withdraw from these conditions. Any
amendments will subsequently be published in the press both in UK and abroad".
Greenpeace, it is hoped, will welcome these measures as contributing to the loss of Global Warming.
-South West Arctic Powerfuel Company (Unregistered).

Extra Large Pizzas

In the light of new Regulations concerning the delivery of live as well as dead food
which comes into force from 1st January, 2007, we propose the following arrangements:
"The maximum size of pizzas to be delivered will be 0.610 metres in diameter. They will
contain extra Mushrooms, Garlic, Salt and Chilli with additional Sauce as required. The
weight is dependent upon the size of delivery vans/motorcycles, whichever is the cheaper.
Coupons will not be accepted as we will be employing only people from the Extended
European Countries Area. For this we have been granted special permission from the
External Ministry. Advance payments in any currency will be acceptable. Our address
will be found in Yellow Pages". Have a good Appetite!
-Brown Brothers Bargain Bucket Shops, Bolton.

Money Advice - 2

The new Offshore Fund set up last May Day by A.Grabsworthy & Father, has left investors
with nothing but grief as all monies have been sunk without trace just outside the three mile limit.
So my advice to you is invest wisely - my new Box Office No. will be displayed in all good
English newagents' windows from next Thursday. Meanwhile, The Fund of Funds I recommended
has, as requested by the Regulations, issued a Short Report a copy of which, along with the
Long Form Accounts are available from me for a small fee. So, till the next time...
- I. Spendapenny,FA.

Getting Mobile

The American Sperm expert, Tess Tickle, has suggested that I use my mobile phone
only between the hours of 2-4 in the morning to avoid any possibility of loss of sex drive.
I told him that I was not going to pay a ridiculously high fee just to be told what I already know.
He then pointed me in the direction of the stage show of "Dirty Dancing" where I can contact
a young lady who would do me more good than he could ever dream on. If I survive the
encounter I shall let you know all the ins and outs of what went on.
-Frank Simple, Littlehampton.

Money Advice - 1

The new Capital Gains Tax, along with Inheritance Legistration, comes into force in
the next fiscal year. This, though, has not the slightest bearing on the issues at stake.
They should, in the opinion of Fund Analysts Scotch and Beer, be totally ignored for
the time being. In your interests, I shall be keeping a weather eye open for any signs
of new cloud formations on the monetary front. If you wish to contact me, I shall be
standing at my usual pitch just round the corner from the Bank of England. The constable
standing across the street is there for my protection and is a replacement for the large
cardboard cutout which kept being vandalised. Made quite a profit on my own investments
last month so am going to treat myself to one of those night shirts advertised in the papers
(plus a free Night Cap). So, till the next time....
-I. Spendapenny, FA.

The Non-Religious Ian Armando

I see Ian Armando is not talking out of his mouth again this week. In his Sunday
column he was not quite sure what religion was all about so he ridiculed it just to
be on the safe side. Asked what he was by a Christian he replied: "I don't really
know, you know". Oh, and by the way, Ian Armando does exist. Sacha Baron
Cohen's impression of him is nearly hilarious, they tell me.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

Football Crazy.

They let me out at weekends. Last Saturday (I must tell you this), I went to a Cup game to
watch my beloved Plymstock Argyle. It was only the first round but we had high hopes of
reaching the final for the first time in our long history. Our opponents were the redoubtable
United, champions of all Devon for the past ten years. The first half went as planned - we
gave them a five goal start so we knew we had a good chance. After the interval, our
opponents re-grouped and redoubled their efforts. Then came the turning point of the match.
We were denied a certain penalty when United's assistant trainer ran onto the pitch and
deliberately handled the ball just inside the box. I had my loud hailer with me and I certainly
made myself heard over the yelping of the hunting dogs that had invaded the pitch as I
made my protest. I was told to shut up by a fussy fifth official (a spitting image of Ian Armando),
who had me escorted to the far end of the ground behind the urinals where a young police
constable I know reluctantly took down my particulars. I demanded to be released and told
him, in no uncertain terms, that this was not the end of the matter and that I would take it up
with the Board of Governers. Our side lost 12-0 in the end but were, from all accounts, the
better side for much of the second period. This gives me hope for our next meeting which
happens to be two weeks from now in the League. I'll be there if they'll let me out.

Modern Music

Drynk and Dryve (not their real names), will be appearing on our small screens between now
and the end of the year, they tell me. They'll be supported by a police backing group (The Bobbies).
One of the duo's old bronze discs, "Go back to the Hills of Wales", was sold on e-Bay for a record sum a fortnight ago after their singing of "Have One for Me" on You-Tube. The performance went down very
well with the young people, I hear. I am not into this soi-disant modern music myself. Ever since
Blue Murder, the bongo beat band split up nearly fifty years ago, I've not heard a group of musicians
who have been able to better, or indeed equal, their passionate performances. It is said that they are
still played on Classic Gold, but I don't know how true this is. Ian Armando, whose sister was once
engaged to Dryve's brother Ronnie, swears that all these things is news to him. And this from a
journalist from a top Sunday Paper!

Theatrical Happenings

It is with much regret that I have to inform you today that, owing to circumstances beyond
my control, the long-awaited new all British musical "Michael Foot - The Dancing Years"
has been shelved indefinitely. A series of bizarre incidents have brought about this latest blow
to the British theatre scene. Among the most outstanding was that suffered by Pretty Gumboyle,
the young Welsh sensation who, whilst repairing the chimney stack at her brother-in law's
house in the Barbican, fell, breaking her leg. To make things even worse, it was her leading one!
Meanwhile, on the same day in another part of town Leon Blare, the male lead, was, on m'a dit,
seen limping away, apparently in great distress, from the council house he'd just bought for
his girlfriend. It later transpired that Leon, in his haste to vacate the premises before the child
minder arrived, caught his foot in his flares tearing two toe nails right off.. His wife Daisy was
quite philosophical after being told of this. "It could have been worse", she declared, "luckily,
Leon was insured with the Dancers' Union Compensation Fund who cover such eventualities".
But it's not all gloom and doom as far as I'm concerned personally. The good news is that
Ian Armando will not after all be directing what should have been the stage event of the millennium.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

Je n'ai rien à dire

Can't think of anything to say today. Perhaps I should just shuffle back under my cosy
dementia-shell où je vais s'endormir. Mais d'abord, pendant que j'y pense:
"Chantez â l'ane, il vous fera des pêts".
-Michael Foot, Romford.

The Disconsolate Ian Armando

"The rabbit stood transfixed. In the glare from the headlights of an oncoming 4x4 on an
otherwise deserted B road in the outskirts of the town of Frome, he was staring at a pile
of dog's poo. How it got there was a mystery for dogs had been banned from the area
since 1989 (the anniversary of the French Revolution). Sad to relate, this was the last
thing the rabbit ever saw. But there is a happy ending to this tale. Earlier in the day a
hyena had escaped from somebody's back garden and as luck would have it, had come
across the dead rabbit. It was the first meal he'd had all day".
The above piece was submitted, my source informed me, by Ian Armando to the Sunday
paper that is getting a reputation for such trash. It was, however, rejected by his editor
for not being down to Ian's low standards. Den Pennis, Ian's boyfriend, whose column,
it must be said, is in a different class altogether, was also disconsolate.

Lines of Enquiry

People keep ringing me asking how they might get in touch with BBC Offline or the more
recently set up Repeat Channel. I can only say: do as I do and contact the Radio Times
Intelligence Dept., then press the green button. If that fails (as is often the case), ring the
Brain Doctor at Guys and Dolls Hospital, Charing Cross Road. There, they will attempt
to answer all your questions with their customary dedicated care. It may be of interest
for you to know that Ian Armando, full time journalist, has a part-time job there as a cleaner.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

Anniversaries

It rained all day. The year was 1993 and I was getting married for the third or fourth time.
I don't recall much about it now apart from thr rain. But it was, I do remember, the year
that Warren Beasty won the "Best Oscar for the Worst Film". He was fuming as he went
up to receive his award from Helen Miracle the celebrated British actor, later to become
a Dame. As they say, though, "No publicity is no publicity". It was also, I note, the year that
Ian Armando celebrated his 30th birthday. I wonder if he remembers that day.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

The Sneering Ian Armando

We all know of artists and their self-portraits, but Ian Armando, in his Sunday Scribblings
Column, has come up with a "self-description" piece which is worth repeating. He says: "I'm
a bloke and am growing old", adding "a decrepit wrinkled lunatic has-been". For a change,
his sneering remarks are directed at himself. If this is a start of a truth campaign, it must be
applauded. But what will his boyfriend Den Pennis think of it?
-Michael Foot, Romford.

Publicity

My agent (who is also myself), has written to say that with all the bad publicity associated with
my latest contribution to the publishing world, it would be better if I were to take a short rest
and go on a long journey to New Zealand. So, why not follow the example of, say, Micky
Barrymuch who went to such lengths to gain publicity from afar? I considered this for some days but couldn't really see the logic in it. I am. therefore, prepared to stay and weather the
storm. So to all of you who have been my staunch supporters over the years, you'll be pleased
to know that I can still be reached at my usual address in Southern England.
-w3c.

The Chelsea Connection

Unconfirmed reports reached me earlier today saying that Ian Armando's sister
is to marry the mother of Randy Rice-Phillips the Chelsea star. This, I suspect,
is another attempt by Ian that by spreading false rumours, he can gain some kind of
reputation in order to boost hiis sagging following in the Sunday paper diarist
competition. Later, facing a crowd of reporters outside his ten bedroomed house
in the suburbs, the footballer, with a look of vicious anger hard to describe, flatly
denied that he was Randy. 'Anyway', he added, 'my name's Sandy'. And with
a toss of his long curly hair, he was gone.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

Note: To be repeated on the repeat of "Match of the Day" on the BBC Repeat Channel.

Telling Stories

It is with regret that I must disappoint the many readers of my very ssuccessful series of short stories
about the Love Life of a Bus Shelter Vandal. I felt that the strories themselves could stand up on their
own without the addition of a further episode in the unfortunate life of the central character who must
not be named for legal reasons. The proposed title: "The Love Life of a Bus Shelter Vandal - The
Years in Between", was a great idea sent in by a reader, but after days of deliberation, I decided that
the story would, by the very nature of its subject, be a little repetitive. So,to maintain the high
standards that I have strived to set (and I'm sure my readers expect), I have reached the decision not to yield to the temptation to cash in on what would be, by my standards,an inferior work.
My latest play, "The Consequences of Being Earnest", is to be previewed on BBC Offline on Thursday
at 2.27 am and repeated on the following Sunday on Digital Radio.
-w3c

A Secret Service

I'm often asked if I had ever served in the Armed Forces.
Well, its not generally known, but because of the General Secrecy Act of 1906,
I was bound to silence until now. I was commissioned in the 13th Heavy Foot
Section (a spin off from the Under Water Cavalry Brigade), and saw service
in the Highlands with the 5th Lowlands Company of the Artillery Interactive Direction
Service (AIDS for short). It was during the Quelling of the Riots that I received,
apart from the OBE, the wound that almost finished me off and which, certainly,
led to my dismissal from the cause I loved. I still have fond memories of those days -
of the dangers we went through together, but especially of the comradeship of very
decent chaps with whom I came in contact.
Bring back National Conscription, I say. It made a man of me and I'm sure it would
do the same for Ian Armando and friend.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

Note: The full story of this period of British History will be
in any decent bookshop in the Spring of 2008.

The Not-So-Popular Ian Armando

Had friends over for the weekend who told me, in all seriousness, that they
had never heard of Ian Armando. This in spite of the fact that my source
has observed that the Sunday paper which employs Ian has boasted that
there has been a substantial rise in its readership! Never mind, old dear,
I'll keep people in touch with your falling popularity. I'm sure you won't
let me down. Oh, and the next blog might be my last.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

Note: The above to be repeated on BBC Offline on 30th February.
(Or a day earlier if a leap year).

A New Slogan

"I thought the old bugger died years ago". This, I'm told, is what most people are saying about me.
I can assure that I'm still here and that I intend "amusing myself" as they say. Born in 1913 makes me
93 years old and although suffering from some stage of dementia (I forget which), I am still able, with
a band of young friends, to keep in touch with the world of politics and, of course, with Fleet Street.
So I'll say "If you want to know the score, say no more". Or was that the new Tory slogan thought up
by Ian Armando at the Conservative party conference he attended last week? Oh, and the next blog you
read might be my last.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

Note: The above to be repeated on BBC Offline on 30th February, (or a day earlier if a leap year).

The Love Life of a Bus Shelter Vandal - The Prequel

He never stood a chance right from the start, really.
His mother, after giving birth to him on the back seat
of a Ford Mondeo, was heard to wail: 'Of all the kids
I've had, this one was a right bastard'.

Note: My sincere thanks to all those people who have
made suggestions, and have given advice in
the preparation of this work, and whose encouragement
and help has made it possible.
-william3c.

The Boyfriend of Ian Armando

News has just reached mme here, in this backwater of Romford, that the name of Ian Armando's
boyfriend (I'm sure you are eager to know), is Den Pennis. Seems a queer name to me, but I don't
suppose he can help that. Den, like Ian, work for the same Sunday paper, so I suppose they are
able to see quite a lot of each other. Which is nice. I'm told that Den Pennis is a much more intelligent
individual than Ian Armando, and, by what I read in their separate contributions to this august
paper, this comes as no surprise. It is said that Den is 'the best diarist on Fleet Street. And the
most handsome'. Now who could possibly have said that?
-Michael Foot, Romford.

The Fluent Ian Armando

They tell me that whilst on holiday recently, Ian Armando went into a
do-it-yourself store in Provence and asked the astonished assistant
whether he could advise him as to what préservatif he should use.
Ian's boyfriend, when told of this, was heard to say: 'yes, Ian is very fluent'.
He should know, of course.
-Michael Foot, Romford.

The Leakung Ian Armando

A leaked office memo from a Sunday Newspaper informant reports that Ian Armando's
disgusting habit of wetting himself withe excitement whilst preparing his weekly column
is getting beyond a joke and that he must seek help with his problem.
His boyfriend says he'd like to get to the bottom of the allegation. Meanwhile, Ian must
stew in his own juice, I suppose.
-Michael Foot, Romford.